take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
