I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
