Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
