I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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