Can i not drive my cunt home
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
