People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
