good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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