I want to have your abortion
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
