Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
