I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
