I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
