Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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