And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
