I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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