highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
