She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
