I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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