***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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