I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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