I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
