i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
