Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
