i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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