I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
