My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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