now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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