I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
