The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
