an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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