I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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