drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
