I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
