Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
