I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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