She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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