So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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