6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
