I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
