i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
40s are totally the cure
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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