Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Randomize
