The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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