I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
