She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
