I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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