My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
