i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
