Screwed.edu
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
