I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
