I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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