Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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