i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
