No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
