Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
