Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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